I’m actually sometimes relieved when I find out that someone has unfollowed me on Instagram. I often feel pressured to keep up and to pretend that I care when I don’t. Does that sound awful? I’m like, Thank god I wasn’t the only one!
I haven’t really been sleeping lately. I’ve been having anxiety dreams and other things keeping me up. Like for instance, my feet get super hot. Like, to the point where I have to go and rinse them in the tub. The plus side is I’ve been able to greatly reduce my overall chronic pain, thanks to some internet purchases. It’s still there, but it’s far more manageable.
I think there are some things in my life I need to let go of. Old feelings on things I can’t control or change. Old grudges, old dreams… I’m just getting too old for this.
I still remember what the room was like when Dad died. He passed in the room that was assigned to me in childhood, and I was a little too late to see him go. There was a slight breeze in the air, the temperature was perfect and beautiful. But it was so empty. As if the lifeless body in there didn’t even exist.
The most comforting thing someone told me at the time is the thing that still sticks with me now: Your greatest fear is that you’ll forget—his voice, his scent, what the day was like… but you will never forget. I still haven’t forgotten. I still talk about him in the present. I still say “my parents” when I really just mean my mom.
For months after, I begged him to haunt me. I woke up in the middle of the night on several nights, at the exact same time, eyes wide open, searching the darkness for a spook. It never happened. I still hold my breath and look into the darkness when I wake in the middle of the night, only to find it empty.