I have an association problem. Any kind of trauma I’ve had, I connect certain things. Or maybe I associate certain things with trauma? One of those things has resulted in me not doing music anymore. For a long time I thought it was because I have nothing to say. But now I realize that it’s because of certain events that are a result of trauma. In my years of therapy, I had never realized this until recently. Or maybe I wouldn’t admit it.
I don’t even like to listen to music much anymore. Even the stuff I liked. My car stereo is almost exclusively set to NPR (not even KCRW, but KPCC, which is entirely news).
This is something I have to work on. I think I could be perfectly content avoiding it for the rest of my life, but my partner is always trying to get us to collaborate. He always tries to make me play bass (which I’m terrible at). But what if he wasn’t making me? What if I dive in and enjoy it? What if I learned to stop associating a feeling with it?
I want to get to that point again. It’s been an inner struggle that I know has been there. I’ve gotten to the point where I just want to be free again.