I recently got engaged to the best man I know. I feel extremely lucky. It’s not a surprise, to be honest. We’ve been talking about marriage for a long time. I just didn’t know when it would happen. But when it did, I was caught off guard, and it was perfect the way he did it.
We were in Banff, Alberta, Canada. We like to take a cold vacation every year, and boy did this one deliver. At the coldest, it was -2° F (-19° C), which was a first for me. I had never been in weather so bitterly cold that it hurt to breathe. But despite the cold, we still managed to get out and enjoy the beauty of the Canadian Rockies. We saw loads of frozen lakes, frozen waterfalls, frozen rivers, wildlife… we ate Canadian food, which is not unlike American food, but it is more in touch with the wilderness. We treated ourselves to expensive meals, tours, activities and maple cream cookies. It was an active trip.
In the end, I know I can look forward to being with my best friend for life. It’s been a strange feeling. Partly feels the same, but also feels weird to be on this side of a relationship. A lot of my anxiety actually has more to do with the ceremony and wedding than the actual marriage. In a lot of ways we’ve been “married” for a while. We’re open about our finances together, make decisions together and support each other in every aspect. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and I’m just not convinced anyone else can love me as fully and unconditionally the way he does. He tries so hard to make our life good, and I can’t take that for granted.
I’m actually sometimes relieved when I find out that someone has unfollowed me on Instagram. I often feel pressured to keep up and to pretend that I care when I don’t. Does that sound awful? I’m like, Thank god I wasn’t the only one!
I haven’t really been sleeping lately. I’ve been having anxiety dreams and other things keeping me up. Like for instance, my feet get super hot. Like, to the point where I have to go and rinse them in the tub. The plus side is I’ve been able to greatly reduce my overall chronic pain, thanks to some internet purchases. It’s still there, but it’s far more manageable.
I think there are some things in my life I need to let go of. Old feelings on things I can’t control or change. Old grudges, old dreams… I’m just getting too old for this.
I realized recently that Little House on the Prairie was on Amazon Prime, so I started watching it again recently. I grew up watching these but never in the order that they came out. I also somehow got Jordan to watch with me and I’m super happy that he also loves this show.
I’ve had an obsession with the Old West for a very long time. I was actually waiting in a dentist office today reading the BBC History publication about taming the Wild West. (By the way, there were a lot of grammatical errors in it too.) I don’t know why I feel so drawn to the lore of that era. Maybe because it’s close enough in time that it feels tangible, yet distinctlymythical in some ways. Maybe because it’s a part of what made me who I am. My parents were frontiersmen in their own right. I’m the daughter of two people who were brave enough to move away from what they knew to forge a new life in a land that was unknown to them. I am lucky.
Well shit. This time I actually forgot. Last night we spilled red wine on our expensive sofa, and ended up going to Walmart late at night to pick up an extractor. Normally I wouldn’t go there but it was the only local-ish place (it was 3 towns over) that had what I needed and was still open at that time.
But really… I’m a little bit stressed at the moment. There are some things happening that are making me a bit worried about what’s going to happen. And I’m trying not to worry about it too much. I had an anxiety dream last night that was totally connected to it.
I missed last Monday. I sort of didn’t know what to talk about that didn’t get too personal.
I took a sleeping pill just before I started this. I’m trying to get more sleep in my life. I have a feeling it will make my life better. I learned recently that because I can usually fall asleep within less than 5 minutes, I am severely sleep-deprived. So why the sleeping pill? My problem isn’t falling asleep; it’s staying asleep. There are various reasons I wake up in the night. I’m naturally a light sleeper. I wake up from pain. I wake up after every REM cycle. It’s not good sleep, ever.
I haven’t had a good night of sleep in years. I don’t know that I know what it feels like.
So anyway, let’s talk about what I’ve been listening to lately. I’ve been listening to the Red Dead Redemption 2 soundtrack. The one produced by Daniel Lanois. “Cruel World” makes me want to die just so you can play it at my funeral. “Red” just legit makes me want to cry. Maybe it’s because of the context in which the song was written.
I really can’t wait for the next part of the soundtrack to be released because I (and the whole internet) want this song:
I’ve been thinking pretty heavily about preparedness for that last year. The earthquakes from last week were nothing unexpected. I just thought they would have been bigger and closer to LA. And after one happens, you always feel pretty shook because you know it could have been worse. This is especially if you’ve ever lived through one. The San Andreas Fault is overdue for a large earthquake and it will happen, and likely soon. I feel like a doomsday prepper when I think about all the stuff in my Amazon cart waiting to be purchased. How devastating can an earthquake be? Northridge was pretty devastating for us, but we had shelter. I have tarps, bungee cords and duct tape in my Amazon cart. I have camping supplies, an emergency radio and solar chargers. I got glass tint so that if the window shatters, it won’t scatter shards all over my face. I only have water for 2 days, a first aid kit for humans and one for the cat, non perishable food in the cupboards that I always make sure is well-supplied. The hard part is I also have a storage problem. But I have no idea if it’s enough. When will I feel sheltered enough from the thing I cannot predict?
As I was driving home from work today, I was thinking a lot about luck. There is so much in the world that is determined by forces beyond our own control, so many things that have been given to us because of the decisions of generations before us, and the mere existence of humans as they are for such a short time in the history of the Earth and universe. I can appreciate how little control I have over 95% of my life. There’s something peaceful about that.
Some months after my dad passed away, my mom decided to move out of the home I grew up in. There were nearly 40 years of things hiding away in every nook and cranny. We finally started to go through my dad’s things. I knew what we’d expect to find for the most part (besides tools). But the things we weren’t expecting were even more puzzling. But it gave me some glimpse into what he did when none of us were around.
The things we expected:
My dad’s gun. Yes he had a gun – and he always had it tucked away in his closet. It was a really beautiful, white, antique Colt 45 revolver with a pearl handle. I know he never intended to use this gun, even for protection, but my dad liked nice things. He liked things that were shiny and pretty.
His Rolex. This went to my brother.
His college ring.
A gold bracelet with his name “Tony” engraved into it. I kept this.
Math and engineering books.
His leather jacket. Now something about this leather jacket is that it still, to this day, smells like him. It’s the smell of tanned leather and tobacco. This was his “going out” jacket for as long as I can remember, even well into a few years before his death. It fit him perfectly and it was styled more like a Members Only jacket, not a motorcycle jacket. I remember the smell of it when he would carry me as a sleeping child from the car into the house and into bed. I find it funny that he had a jacket that was very specifically a jacket he never wore for working and only when he would go out to a party or to a nice dinner (that didn’t need a suit jacket). And now I have a jacket that’s similar. When I bought it, I vowed to never wear it to work – it was only for going out to parties and dinners.
The things we didn’t expect:
Two swords — one katana and one flame-bladed sword.