Rapid-Fire Thoughts

I’m 36 today. Here are 36 things I’m thinking about from 36 years of life.

  1. I started to feel older at 34. Muscles you never knew you had start to hurt. You suddenly have back problems. You have to work damn hard to be not-fat. And even though you don’t really smile that much, you will get smile lines.
  2. I somehow feel like I’m religious if I say “bless you” after someone sneezes. Therefore I choose to pretend nothing ever happened.
  3. I love it when people are like, “So, I’ve started my own business…” and then it turns out it’s some kind of pyramid scheme. 
  4. Now that I am older and chubbier, I have a fantastic ass. However all of my underwear have effectively become thongs, whether they’re thongs or not.
  5. ”Authentic food.” What is it? Authentic and good are not interchangeable, and I will choose good, always.
  6. Sometimes I wonder how people move so easily through life while I remain awkward and unsure about how to move a basic conversation forward.  I’ve come to appreciate silence.
  7. Not to generalize, but like, why does all modern pop music sound the same?
  8. Raisins don’t belong in regular, savory food. I might even go so far as to say they don’t belong in ANY food. It’s like everyone’s “cool” uncle who is actually dead inside. What happened to you, man?
  9. I don’t “get” meme culture. I feel like those who do spend every morning reading the entire internet to make sure they’re up to speed on jokes that will be irrelevant in 5 minutes to the 1% that understood the joke in the first place.
  10. These days, cookbook and food blog authors assume you care about their story and write an essay explaining why the associated recipe is relevant.
  11. White people, am I right?
  12. As a person who sits near the kitchen at work, I can tell you that polite office small talk is really awkward to listen to. Like, more awkward than being a participant in polite office small talk.
  13. The fact that I love hot sauce even more as I get older tells me that my senses are diminishing. Probably also including (but not limited to) my sense of impending doom.
  14. Every male Uber driver looks like a murderer or rapist in their photo, with and without a smile.
  15. Sometimes someone will take a pic with me and say, “This is a great picture of us.” But I know they’re really only looking at how they look.
  16. And sometimes when I see a bad photo of me, I just let it go because whatever, I guess that’s just what I actually look like.
  17. Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are the worst.
  18. I don’t really care for Star Wars, and that seems to ruffle some feathers.
  19. I don’t really care for Beyoncé.
  20. I’m not good at sleeping and haven’t had a good night’s rest in years.
  21. “Lovely Day” is the worst and most cringeworthy Bill Withers song. When he holds that long and weak note at the end, I imagine him side-stepping back and forth, like a middle school kid being a wallflower at a school dance.
  22. Papa John’s is garbage pizza, even with the garlic sauce.
  23. Ultimately, you’re not a saint for hanging on to shitty friends. You just don’t know when to say “no more.”
  24. Few things are as delightful as a sleeping animal, cuddling with you.
  25. I don’t think I can forgive a human as quickly as I forgive my cat.
  26. When you take a job, it pays you, but you also pay to have it. Take the one that taxes you less.
  27. In a relationship, not arguing isn’t necessarily better than arguing. At least when you’re arguing, you’re talking about issues you care about.
  28. Fun isn’t always on the other side of a yes, but yes is a good answer. Sometimes you just don’t have a good time.
  29. Sometimes the best souvenir is the memory.
  30. They really try to sell you on sweet potato fries being fries, rather than garbage.
  31. Friends is basic and not clever.
  32. If it exists in pop culture, there’s a porn spin-off. Did you know there’s a porn for my favorite video game, Red Dead Redemption 2? It’s called Red Dead Erection. And Game of Thrones has Game of Bones.
  33. Your opinion isn’t always relevant. Shut your mouth sometimes.
  34. There’s no such thing as a classy bumper sticker. Prove me wrong.
  35. You can’t build a city on rock and roll.
  36. Keenan Thompson plays the same character in everything he’s in. Why hasn’t anyone else noticed this?!